It's not heartbreak

It's not heartbreak. I know that much. Your heart can't break when it's already broken.  And what is heartbreak? Your heart doesn't literally break into pieces or in half or whatever people say. I have never known real love to actually know what it means when the one you love leaves you. I have been left, y the one man that i snot supposed to leave you, father.  Not the same I guess.  But that was enough for me not to give my heart out that easy.  I guess love isn't something destined in my life, people say it's me who doesn't let it be part of my life and it might be me it might be destiny.  I hear people talk about how there heart broke and how sad they feel and they can cry for ages when that special someone leaves them.  I don't know those feelings, have never met them actually. thats how i know its not heartbreak. 

I think i was starting to really like him. Not just the girly crush i get butterflies in my stomach when i hear his name feeling. But the actual he's my every thought, i want to be with him every moment feeling. The closest I have ever gotten to a guy.  Then like God was speaking to me or the universe giving signs he left. There where plenty of signs one week into dating he left for two weeks.  two weeks after he came back i left for two weeks. three weeks later he is off again but for longer.  Not literally left me but he had to go away for four months.  I should have known, every guy in my life, ends up leaving. I never listen to the universe though i think that is my problem.  I'm stubborn you see. Maybe if i listen the pain would be less, these actions would be easier and I wouldn't be here thinking what happened?  funny thing is I know what happened...long distance never works. Plus lets face it when it's not meant to be you can try every possible way you wan tot try to make it work but there will always be something stopping it.  YOu end up creating a lie to make it feel right, you tell yourself it can work, its all about trying harder and harder but you end up giving it your all at the end you are tired, tired of trying, tired of believing it will work, tired of fighting against what you knew since the beginning wasn't meant to be; because you know deep down inside if it was meant to be it wouldn't be so hard to make it be. 

So I tell myself, it's not heartbreak, it can't be.