why?

Well here I am back again...It's been a while. Thinking about this blog and what I have been writing and what I will continue writing I still ask this question what is life. What are the things that make us the people that we are. How do we chose what is right..or why do we always chose what is wrong. There are so many things in life that I still don't understand, so many elements of life that still puzzle me. This why I write, a way to figure out the answers to these questions if not at least get closer to the answers.

It's not heartbreak

It's not heartbreak. I know that much. Your heart can't break when it's already broken.  And what is heartbreak? Your heart doesn't literally break into pieces or in half or whatever people say. I have never known real love to actually know what it means when the one you love leaves you. I have been left, y the one man that i snot supposed to leave you, father.  Not the same I guess.  But that was enough for me not to give my heart out that easy.  I guess love isn't something destined in my life, people say it's me who doesn't let it be part of my life and it might be me it might be destiny.  I hear people talk about how there heart broke and how sad they feel and they can cry for ages when that special someone leaves them.  I don't know those feelings, have never met them actually. thats how i know its not heartbreak. 

I think i was starting to really like him. Not just the girly crush i get butterflies in my stomach when i hear his name feeling. But the actual he's my every thought, i want to be with him every moment feeling. The closest I have ever gotten to a guy.  Then like God was speaking to me or the universe giving signs he left. There where plenty of signs one week into dating he left for two weeks.  two weeks after he came back i left for two weeks. three weeks later he is off again but for longer.  Not literally left me but he had to go away for four months.  I should have known, every guy in my life, ends up leaving. I never listen to the universe though i think that is my problem.  I'm stubborn you see. Maybe if i listen the pain would be less, these actions would be easier and I wouldn't be here thinking what happened?  funny thing is I know what happened...long distance never works. Plus lets face it when it's not meant to be you can try every possible way you wan tot try to make it work but there will always be something stopping it.  YOu end up creating a lie to make it feel right, you tell yourself it can work, its all about trying harder and harder but you end up giving it your all at the end you are tired, tired of trying, tired of believing it will work, tired of fighting against what you knew since the beginning wasn't meant to be; because you know deep down inside if it was meant to be it wouldn't be so hard to make it be. 

So I tell myself, it's not heartbreak, it can't be. 

LOVE???

Is he/she the one? We ask ourselves this question many times.  I don't believe we analyze it enough.  how do we know, how can someone get the slightest idea that that one person is forever.  Not the main point in this point of my life but it has something to do with the biggest problems most relationships have.  What happens when the one you think is the one or you thought was or you have that feeling that this can last a pretty long time all of the sudden might not even be the one for this month.  Shoker of my life something had to go wrong.  Hey no on said life was perfect but mine seems to fall way below the scale of good when it comes to relationships.  Yeah sure I have had it all, cheating, lying, not ready for commitment, insecure, trust issues.  Sure i have never been completely heartbroken i mean how can you when most of the time you feel like your heart wasn't complete to start with. 

Going of course for a while, what is love?  I don't think any one knows, I don't think any one really understood it.  Love is supposed to be this feeling you have towards others, this whole i will be there for you no matter what, I will never hurt you, I will never make you cry you heard the songs, does any one actually do that, no! its impossible.  I will name you one person who has done it Jesus thats who. Well maybe your mom would do it too, but that is pretty much it.  He/ she will always do something wrong its in our genes. They will end up cheating, lying, hurting your feelings, thats not love. What people feel now a days is the need of company, sex, passion, maybe you just really like them, but its not love.....

REFLECTION: GRACE

I can’t remember how it was to be fifteen years old and that was only three years ago, trying to be a five year old is much harder then one thinks. In the group project we picked Flight Pattern to portray. My character was Grace the daughter of William and Marie. For the project we decided to each pick a character and keep a twitter account on each. Trying to be Grace was very difficult because I personally don’t remember what it was to be five years old. Another reason it was hard was not much was said about Grace but about one paragraph.
By what was said in the story, Grace seemed to be very smart and hippie like. I imagined her to be fascinated with nature and culture. One main reason I believe this its how she is described and what she says about cutting her hair and not wanting to be a boy or a girl but a leaf. A girl that wants to cut her hair and just wants to be a leaf at the age of ten must be really into nature and Zen moments. Putting this information helped me get more into the character. One thing that made it easier to be Grace was looking at the twitters of my fellow group mates. I looked at what Marie and William would write about her and then I would follow along with that.
A lot of the times as I was writing the updates it was difficult, my roommate told me to remember how it was to be five and how it felt when your parents went away to trips. I tried this technique but got nowhere. In reality I couldn’t remember much about being ten except having to wear ponytails all the time that hurt my head because she pulled it back really hard, when it came to missing my parents my parents where always around they where not big on traveling.
I learned a lot about trying to be this character. Since there was not much on her I had to analyze everything to the point in order to get a good update on her. It made me try to remember how it was to be ten didn’t help much but I was able to look back at my past. Having this as a final made everything easier, yet it has its difficulties when trying to be a character. Yet you can see how people interpret each character. I might have had an idea on how Grace or any other character are and their personalities it doesn’t that’s how everyone sees them. My idea of Grace was that she was a strong pretty independent child. She saw life in her own way and most likely felt like many people didn’t understand her or didn’t see the world the same way she did. She was a child yet had a mind of a 20 year old.
One thing that made this project more interesting was the idea of a five year old having a twitter. This helps the idea that she was really smart. If a five year old can use a computer and type correctly without misspelling most words that proves that she might be a very smart kindergartner. When a five year old talks about cutting all her hair off that means she’s really thinking about life and how it really is. This was interesting to play. I actually believed at the beginning of the project that she was older. I had forgotten that in the book it said she was a kindergartner. The entire time I believe she was ten because it made more sense with what she said in the story.
All in all I loved playing the character of Grace it was fun and exciting to be a a smart five year old. It made the project more interesting to me.

Twitter Link
http://twitter.com/grace4president

Antigone

In all stories that we read from the past from authors such as Shakespeare we always get a maiden is despair. The women is never portrayed as strong and independent. The women has always been the one in need of help, the one that is not as respected and most of the time looked down on. This becomes a difference in the play of Antigone. Antigone is a character that is full of life and full of energy. She is a rebel and says what she wants to say when she wants to say it. From the beginning you can notice that she has issues from what has happened to her. The mention of her family, like her brother and her father and mother, it seems to change her life and make her the way she is. The way she speaks she seems very upset and traumatized about her past life. She is willing to stand up to Creon and not accept any of his decisions. She is willing to stand up and speak her own thoughts. She is a women with values and has her own ideas. You can see that she wont let anyone bring her down or turn her ideas around, instead she will say what she wants to say and will do anything make everyone agree with her. Antigone can be seen as a tragic hero. She owns her own life which is something that many women character in plays usually don’t they are meant to be left in the unknown but Antigone makes her own life and decides what she wants and doesn’t let a man take over her life.

Bartleby

Bartleby the scrivener is a very unique character. He spends a lot of his time by himself and that’s the way he likes it, in some levels. His facebook page would be just as unique as he is. When it comes to his info page of course it would say the basics male, his birthday maybe around April and May, his Zodiac sign would be Aries, because of what the sign is. Most Aries traits go with the traits that bartleby has such as self-confidence, opiniated, forceful, irritable, and straightforward. By the way he acts and his personality I take him to be conservative therefore a republican, maybe even independent. No religion would interest him, but not exactly atheist. His activities would involve being in his computer all the time, and maybe reading some type of science journal with new technology. His interest would involve, computers, computers, and more computers. When it comes to music he prefers to listen to debussi. Seeing that he spends most of his time on his computer there is no time for TV unless watching the latest elections. His about me section would be short and to the point, not wanting to waste time explaining himself and expecting everyone to understand him by just looking at his page, he decided to write as little as possible. His friend section is not as full as other people sections. It involves pages from newest technology and his boss and co workers. Other than that his page would be very simple and to the point. He doesn’t waste his time on explaining just telling it like it is.

Revised Essay

Have you ever had a dream where you sitting somewhere waiting for something to happen? It is a place that you know, you have been before, it is natural to be there but you can’t pinpoint the exact location of where you are. You can see yourself sitting in a bench, maybe standing. There are people all around you but you don’t know who any of them are. You can be anywhere a garden, house, or even a metro. “In a station of the metro” is a poem that explains the end of life and how something or someone can move on to the stage of life. This can be just like a dream you have any other night. You see yourself waiting at a metro station for something to happen, you are dreaming of a metro station. One can see the death explained in the poem by the meaning of the words of the poem, by the rhyme it takes, and by the lines and symbols it uses.
The poem gives the meaning of life coming to an end by the wording itself. The first line states “The apparition of these faces in the crowd,” meaning that there is ghostlike figures standing around waiting at the metro station. When you imagine apparitions you can imagine white ghostlike figures sitting, standing crowded at the metro station waiting, just waiting. What are they waiting for? It can be interpreted in many ways but one of the things that they can be waiting for is the next time in life, the afterlife. They can be waiting for the train to arrive to take them to the next stage, the new life that they will start. This is a train that people wait for after the die, the spirits. The apparitions are the spirits of the people that have died and are waiting to move on.
The second line states “ Petals on a wet, black bough,” in other words the petals have fallen to the tree. The flower that once might have been beautiful has died and has lost its petals. These petals then can be seen on the black wet tree. The tree is black, which can mean that somehow the time of season is winter. Winter is the time where all the leaves have fallen off the tress and it starts getting cold. By putting these ideas one can get that it is the time of coldness and death. This all gives the definition of what death is and how it comes to be. Its something so beautiful coming to life and dying. The flower started as a seed planted on the ground, where it was watered an taken care of then it grew into a beautiful flower then winter came and the wind and rain that it carried with it ended up killing the flower. Slowly the flower lost its petals, which then fell on the tree. This whole scene can be pictured next to the crowd in the metro station as a sign of life and death. Symbolizing the death that came to the crowd in the metro station.
The poem only consists of two lines one stanza. The shortness of the poem can go with the theory of life and death. Life can be short and in one instant one can die. Death comes to many people faster than one can imagine. The poem makes more of an emphasis with it being short and to the point than it would have with it being long and to dragging. It can also be seen as one of the symbols of the poem.
The symbols of the poem show the relationship death has to the poem. One of the symbols is the word black. Black has always been portrayed as the “bad” color. Black is known to bring darkness to wherever you have that color. If you are sitting in a room painted black, with no light, you are standing in complete darkness compared to standing in a room painted with a different color. Darkness can be connected with death, when you die you are left in complete darkness, with nothing else left in life. Along with black, apparition can be a symbol for death. Apparitions go along with ghosts, and paranormal stuff. You can come to realize that the crowd is somehow the spirits of people. All of this goes side to side with death and an after life.
To use the word bough instead of tree gives another good illustration of the meaning of the poem. The word bough gives it a darker feeling then the word tree. Tree is a word that everyone uses when describing parts of nature. The idea of nature is always connected to trees. This point brings a positive vibe and makes a scene more beautiful and serene, whereas a negative synonym like bough does not. The word bough, not only helping it rhyme with the last word in the first line but it gives the poem the sense of darkness to the tree, that the tree would not have if only using that word itself. The word bough is not used by many and not really known by just hearing the word itself it gives you a darker image from the start, a more disturbed idea of that moment in time.
The meaning of the poem at the end suggests death and the waiting for it or even the coming to it. The words of the poem can easily be translated to mean anything you want them to mean but the words in this poem reflects some sort of darkness to the world that Pound is trying to illustrate. The poem uses its symbolic words, the translation of the lines, the poems length to help translate the meaning of the poem as a whole. It brings death to a fulfilling circle. It explains it in many ways and is able to illustrate it in a perfect way. Overall the poem gives the sense of death and waiting for it to come and to pass to a new life. Gives a whole new meaning to that dream you have at night when you where waiting for what you are really not sure what it is. It gives being at a metro station a whole new meaning.